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Tiny Trump has been quiet lately because he’s been working so hard on fixing everything that’s wrong with our country. He’s done a great job so far! He’s fixed healthcare, there’s a travel ban, we’re finally building that wall, and the stock market and jobs are better than they have been in years. He’s even handled North Korea!

And he did all of that in only six months. No president has ever been as successful as Trump has in his first year in office.

Color me impressed! I mean, I really thought he was going to be a total failure and wow. So much progress.

After all of that hard work, Tiny Trump deserved a nice long vacation away from politics. Since he hasn’t had much time to do sightseeing in Washington since he’s been there, before he left town he decided to take a quick sightseeing tour of the city.

I was THRILLED when he invited me to cover it. What could be more amazing than being shown around town by someone who truly has his finger on the pulse of our nation?

Without further ado, here’s Tiny Trump’s tour of DC as told to me in his own words.

 

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington Soviet Missiles

The United States must greatly strengthen and expand its nuclear capability until such time as the world comes to its senses regarding nukes.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington Kremlin Papers

Putin, what a smart guy. Look at Putin — what he’s doing with Russia — I mean, you know, what’s going on over there. I mean this guy has done — whether you like him or don’t like him — he’s doing a great job in rebuilding the image of Russia and also rebuilding Russia period. Putin has big plans for Russia. He wants to edge out its neighbors so that Russia can dominate oil supplies to all of Europe. Hats off to the Russians.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington Big Red Button

We’ll handle North Korea. We’re going to be able to handle them. It will be handled. We handle everything.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington Loews Madison

“…the hotel was transformed to a temporary Kremlin for Soviet leaders.” I don’t always stay at non-Trump hotels, but when I do, they’re former Kremlins.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington Rally for America

What’s this? Another protest on the White House lawn?

Watched protests yesterday but was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn’t these people vote? Celebs hurt cause badly.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington Rally for America Biggest Crowd

Oh! It’s the Rally for America, not those vagina hats protesting again. Grab em by the pussy is what I always say. We’ve got the 1st Lady of the Second Amendment, John Gilliam, Bikers for Trump, Jeanette Finicum. American heroes and patriots, all of them.

God Bless America.

I have to put up with some of the most dishonest people in the world — the media. They never show crowds like that — look at that, it goes all the way back. They never show crowds. They don’t show crowds.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington Rally for America Biggest Crowd

That’s why I’m not doing this tour with the media but instead I’m doing it with the greatest crochet blogger ever, Jen’s a Little Loopy. Isn’t she great? And she’s in such good shape, too, beautiful.

She’s got the best blog. Believe me.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington

We won with young. We won with old. We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated. Even the really dishonest press says Trump’s people are the most incredible. I mean I had already sixty-eight percent would not leave under any circumstances. I think that means murder. I think it means anything.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington

Mirror mirror on the Mall. Who’s the greatest President of them all?

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington

Not you, your organization is terrible…Quiet, she’s asking a question. Don’t be rude. Don’t be rude. I am not going to give you a question. You are fake news.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington

There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have. You take a look at Palm Beach, Florida. I built the Mar-a-Lago Club totally open to everybody. A club that frankly set a new standard in clubs and a new standard in Palm Beach and I’ve gotten great credit for it.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington

With the exception of the late, great Abraham Lincoln, I can be more presidential than any president that’s ever held this office. I can be very presidential. I jokingly say, I can be more presidential than any president that this country has ever had except for Abraham Lincoln, because he was [unclear]. Right? You can’t out-top Abraham Lincoln.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington

The Smithsonian did a beautiful job on my book, but this exhibit needs work. It needs to be fixed, and I need to be on my own wall away from these losers. Maybe an authentic replica of the wall we’re building and Mexico is going to pay for. Mexico’s gonna pay for the exhibit wall too.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington

We need a Supreme Court that in my opinion is going to uphold the Second Amendment, and all amendments, but the Second Amendment, which is under absolute siege. The courts are not helping us, I have to be honest with you. It’s ridiculous. Somebody said I should not criticize judges. OK, I’ll criticize judges.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington

It’s a very rough system. It’s an archaic system … It’s really a bad thing for the country.

Hmm.

I’m not quite sure what to say. That interview didn’t go as expected at all.

Tiny Trump seems kind of dangerous. He had this weird fascination with all of the museum exhibits about Russia and Nazi Germany. He called the White House a dump. He kept leafing through the little Constitution book and tearing pages out. And then he flipped the bird at the Newseum and spent the rest of the trip muttering about fake news.

I was really happy to get away from the guy. I hope he gets some R&R on his vacation and returns to Washington in a better frame of mind.

Before we left town I ran back to the fountain in the Capitol Building and threw a bunch of change in.

Bet you can’t guess what I wished for.

Tiny Trump Goes to Washington

Tiny Trump has invited me to cover his tour of Philadelphia next. I’m not sure if I can put myself through this exercise again but for you all I’ll do my best to suffer through it. America deserves the truth.

ICYMI, over the past six months I’ve been turning Trump into ridiculous things and sharing the patterns so you can join in the fun! I’m going to have to start crocheting faster because it looks like one of my favorite subjects might be a short timer. 😉

Next pattern should be ready in about a week or so and it’s a good one! Here’s a hint:

trumpasaurus wrecks

XOXO,

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