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Trump toilet paper will soon be a thing.

After being offended by Trump’s comments about Mexicans during his campaign, Antonio Battaglia, a Mexican lawyer and entrepreneur, brainstormed ways he could make a difference. He’s getting into the toilet paper business “to make profits to support migrants and deportees.” Initially, he plans to allocate 30% of the profits to relief organizations in Guanajuato.

No word on whether Trump toilet paper will be available in the U.S. I think it would be a bigly success in America and pretty much everywhere else in the world.

Ordinarily, I firmly believe crochet does not belong in the bathroom. But, when I saw the photo of Trump toilet paper, playing with that idea was a golden opportunity I couldn’t just flush down the drain.

Trump Toilet Paper

Besides, there is nowhere in the house more appropriate for the president who thinks he’s king than sitting on the throne.

I intentionally designed this Trump toilet paper cover without arms so he can’t tweet from your toilet. And I didn’t bother giving him ears because he doesn’t listen anyway. That’s what microwaves are for.

Trump Toilet Paper Cover

Supplies Needed

  • A sense of humor
  • Worsted weight yarn in Trump orange, yellow, cream, and pink (I used Hobby Lobby I Love This Yarn in Desert Glaze for the orange and Buttercup for the yellow, other yarns from my stash)
  • Small bit of white and black felt
  • Tacky glue
  • Two 12 mm safety eyes
  • Wire snips
  • Sizes G and I crochet hooks
  • Trump toilet paper or similar

Pattern Notes

Toilet paper rolls are different sizes, so you may need to adjust the circumference of the top circle and/or the height of the cover.  Best to have a roll handy while you’re crocheting to test the sizing.

This pattern uses US crochet terms and is fine for an adventurous beginner. The crocheting is straightforward, but you’ll need some solid stitching skills to make up his face.

Trump Head

With I hook and orange yarn, make a magic loop.

  1. sc 6 into magic loop
  2. inc around (12)
  3. {sc 1, inc} around (18)
  4. {sc 2, inc} around (24)
  5. {sc 3, inc} around (30)
  6. {sc 4, inc} around (36)
  7. {sc 5, inc} around (42)
  8. {sc 6, inc} around (48)
  9. {sc 7, inc} around (54)
  10. {sc 8, inc} around (60)
  11. {sc 9, inc} around (66)
  12. in back loops only, hdc around (66)
  13. hdc around
  14. hdc around
  15. {sc 9, dec} around (60)
  16. hdc around
  17. hdc around
  18. hdc around
  19. hdc around
  20. hdc around
  21. hdc around
  22. hdc around
  23. hdc around
  24. break yarn, weave in ends.

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

Trump Hair

You will make three separate hair pieces, all of which are worked flat.

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

Piece 1

With yellow yarn and I hook, make a magic ring.

  1. sc 4 into magic ring, pull ring closed, ch 1, turn (4)
  2. sc 2 into each stitch across, ch 1, turn (8)
  3. {sc, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (12)
  4. {sc 2, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (16)
  5. {sc 3, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (20)
  6. {sc 4, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (24)
  7. {sc 5, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (28)
  8. {sc 6, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (32)
  9. {sc 7, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (36)
  10. {sc 8, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (40)
  11. {sc 9, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (44)
  12. {sc 10, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (48)
  13. ch 1, sc evenly down flat side of semicircle (approximately 28 sts), ch 1, turn
  14. {sc 5, dec} across, sc any remaining sts
  15. break yarn, leaving long tail for sewing

Piece 2

With yellow yarn and I hook, make a magic ring.

  1. sc 4 into magic ring, pull ring closed, ch 1, turn (4)
  2. sc 2 into each stitch across, ch 1, turn (8)
  3. {sc, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (12)
  4. {sc 2, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (16)
  5. {sc 3, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (20)
  6. {sc 4, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (24)
  7. {sc 5, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (28)
  8. {sc 6, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (32)
  9. {sc 7, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (36)
  10. {sc 8, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (40)
  11. {sc 9, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (44)
  12. {sc 10, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (48)
  13. break yarn, leaving long tail for sewing

Piece 3

With yellow yarn and I hook, make a magic ring.

  1. sc 4 into magic ring, pull ring closed, ch 1, turn (4)
  2. sc 2 into each stitch across, ch 1, turn (8)
  3. {sc, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (12)
  4. {sc 2, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (16)
  5. {sc 3, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (20)
  6. {sc 4, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (24)
  7. {sc 5, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (28)
  8. {sc 6, inc} to end, ch 1, turn (32)
  9. ch 1, sc evenly down flat side of semicircle (approx. 25 sts)
  10. break yarn, leaving long tail for sewing

Eyes

Make two.

With cream yarn and G hook:

  1. ch 6
  2. in 2nd chain from hook, sc, hdc, dc, hdc, sc
  3. continuing down other side of beginning chain, sc, hdc, dc, hdc, sc
  4. break yarn, leaving long tail for sewing
  5. insert safety eyes in center of each piece and, using wire snips, cut stems flush with backing.

I said flush.  Heh.

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

Eyebrows

Make two.

With yellow yarn and G hook:

  1. ch 6
  2. hdc 3, sc1, sl st
  3. break yarn, leaving long tail for sewing

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

Nose

Make one.

  1. ch 5
  2. sc 3, hdc, ch 1, turn
  3. hdc, sc 2, sl st
  4. break yarn, leaving long tail for sewing

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

Assembly

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

Whew!  We’re getting there!

I promise this isn’t as complicated as it’s going to sound. If any of the instructions are unclear or you get stuck, please please please feel free to drop a comment or shoot me an email ([email protected]).

  • Sew on the eyes first by stitching around the edges. Then sew horizontally across the top and bottom of the safety eyes to make his eyes appear squinty, like so:

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

  • Next, sew on the nose by stitching around the edges.
  • Now sew on the eyebrows by stitching around the edges. You can make your Trump angry by having the inner corners point downward toward his nose. Or, you can give him a confused expression by sewing them slanted in different directions. Play around with placement before sewing them on, it’s fun!

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

  • Time to sew on Trump’s hair. First place Piece 2 on his head about here:

  • I only sewed down the straight edge of the semicircle because I wanted his hair to stay somewhat poseable. Feel free to stitch around all edges of his hair if you prefer.
  • Next, place Piece 1 over Piece 2 like so, and sew down the straight edge of the semicircle:

  • Lastly, place the straight edge of Piece 3 against the straight edge of Piece 1, and stitch those two edges together. It will look like a part in Trump’s hair when you’re done.

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

  • Stitch on some sideburns with yellow yarn. I held the yarn doubled and went over each horizontal row twice. I didn’t bother covering the back of his head with yellow yarn, but you could if you wanted his head to be more lifelike.

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

  • Time for the mouth. First cut two thin trapezoids from white felt (for his teeth), and then place them on some black felt and cut around them. Glue the white felt pieces to the black felt.

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

  • With pink yarn and G hook, ch enough stitches to form lips around the felt teeth. Join the chain and then sc each stitch around. Break yarn and either weave in ends or leave a long tail if you’ll be sewing.
  • Glue the teeth to the head, and then glue the lips around the teeth. This part is a little fiddly. It helps if you use a pin or two to shape the mouth and teeth as you’d like them to be.
  • After the glue on the lips is mostly dry, you may wish to stitch the lips to the head around the bottom row of the lips.

Enjoy your Trump toilet paper cover!

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

The good thing about this project is that while faces can be pretty complicated to craft with yarn, Trump makes so many funny faces it’s hard to mess up.  Seriously, (if you can bear it) go Google image search Trump photos. There is almost no way you can get this wrong. And even if you do, it will only add to his character.

Sometimes while I’m working on projects like this, little questions bubble up to the surface.  Like:

  • Has Donald Trump ever purchased toilet paper?
  • Has Donald Trump ever replaced an empty roll of toilet paper, or has he just made his wives sad?
  • Does he even share a bathroom with his wife?
  • I mean I know they don’t now but have they ever?
  • Or do they just have a different bathroom for each day of the week, so that the smell of rancid tweets is long gone from his by the time he rotates back to say, the Monday bathroom?
  • Does Donald Trump know where the extra toilet paper is in the White House?
  • Does Trump like the toilet paper to roll over the top of the roll or does he prefer it to go under the roll and pull up? He’s probably one of those people who does it wrong.
  • Is he aware of Trump toilet paper and, if so, how does he feel about it?

I worry about these things. If you ever have an opportunity to ask Donald Trump (or even better, Sean Spicer) these questions please do and then report back. Inquiring minds want to know.

I hope you were inspired and entertained by the latest installment in my Trump is a Boggart series! I feel like my ability to capture Trump’s likeness in yarn is improving. The jury is out on whether this is a good thing.

If you haven’t been following along, here are the other projects in this series:

I am concerned if I keep going with this my house will be taken over in crochet Trump. But at least when we get to the point where we are all required to have Trump shrines in our home, I’ll be prepared.

Trump Toilet Paper Cover Crochet Pattern

 

If this Trump toilet paper cover made you laugh, I’d be thrilled if you pinned and/or shared!

Sidenote: If you want actual Trump toilet paper to place inside of your Trump toilet paper cover, check this out! It’s not “Softness without borders,” and in fact may chafe your ass, but it’s entertaining to say the least!

XOXO,

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