President Prick Crochet Pattern

I’ve been sitting on publishing the pattern for President Prick for a while because I was hoping it wouldn’t be necessary.  I don’t know why.  It’s no longer rational to hold out hope that we would wake up one day and learn that our president had finally remembered to use his inside voice and table manners.

Today he has outdone himself.  It’s like he’s in a competition to see if he can be a more shit president today than he was the day before, and he keeps winning.

He’s winning so much we can’t take it anymore.

There’s not much to say about this that hasn’t been said better by others.  Obviously this is inappropriate, offensive, probably against the law and grounds for impeachment, and definitely a sign of a prick who doesn’t get it and never will.

His lackeys were so impressed by this tweet they actually made a graphic for it and posted it on his official Facebook page.  Unreal.

I don’t really know why anyone would want a President Prick.  I sure as hell don’t.  But if you NEED to make one, if only for the pure joy of creating an object you can jab a bunch of needles into, here’s a nice quick crochet pattern for you.

(I’m not sure if I buy into my Trump is a Boggart hypothesis anymore, but I am still going to continue turning him into ridiculous things for my own amusement.)

President Prick Crochet Pattern

Materials Needed:

• Small amounts of worsted weight yarn in brown, Trump orange (the best orange!), and yellow (or if your ginger cat is shedding, you can use some of that fur because my husband discovered it is a perfect match for Trump’s “hair”)
• 2 6mm safety eyes
• small bits of white and pink embroidery floss
• 4 inch clay pot (I painted mine with some glitter paint, but this step is optional)
• approximately 50 round-headed sewing pins
• cat grooming brush with wire teeth
• Size G crochet hook

Pattern uses standard US crochet terms and abbreviations.  Worked in two pieces – the dirt and the cactus.  Uses only basic amigurumi skills like sewing pieces together and embroidering details, so it’s an easy project for a beginner!

Note:  President Prick is NOT child friendly.

Crochet the Dirt:

Use brown yarn, worked in continuous rounds.

1. Make a magic ring, and sc 6 into ring (6)
2. inc in each st around (12)
3. inc, sc around (18)
4. inc, 2 sc around (24)
5. inc, 3 sc around (30)
6. inc, 4 sc around (36)
7. inc, 5 sc around (42)
8. inc, 6 sc around (48)
9. sc around
10. sc around
11. sc around
12. sc around
13. dec, 6 sc around (42)
14. dec, 5 sc around (36)
15. dec, 4 sc around (30)
16. dec, 3 sc around (24) – Insert stuffing
17. dec, 2 sc around (18)
18. dec, sc around (12) – complete stuffing
19. dec around (6)
20. Sew dirt closed and weave in ends.

Crochet the Cactus:

Use orange yarn, worked flat.  (This uses the same technique as I used for the frosting part of Trump Muffin.)

1. Leave a long tail for sewing, and with yellow yarn, ch 28
2. In 3rd ch from hook, 2 hdc into same st, hdc 26, hdc2tog, ch 2, turn (28)
3. From this point forward, all stitches are made in BLO (back loops only).
4. hdc2tog, 26 hdc, 2 hdc into last st, ch 2, turn
5. hdc 2 into first st, 26 hdc, hdc2tog, ch 2, turn
6. [Repeat rows 4 and 5] 6 times (12 rows total)
7. Repeat row 4.
8. Insert safety eyes in the bottom third of the cactus as shown in photos.
9. Sl st short ends of parallelogram together through BLO (image 1 below), and leave a long tail for sewing when you break the yarn.
10. Now we’re going to turn the cylinder into a cactus!
11. Use the long tail to stitch the top of the cylinder together by inserting the needle through one stitch in every other row (image 2 below). Pull tightly, and weave in end.
12. Stuff cactus firmly, and repeat the process in 8 for the bottom. After weaving in the end, do not break yarn!

Image 1

Image 2

Assembly:

• Embroider President Prick’s facial details – frowny eyebrows, white lines around the eyes where the spray tan missed, and puckered, snarly lips.
• Cut yellow yarn into 6 inch pieces, you’ll only need about 15-20. Attach the yarn to the top of the cactus by looping the yarn through the stitches and knotting it.  This video is super-helpful if you’ve never used this technique before.
• After you’re done attaching the yarn, comb through the yarn with your cat grooming brush to turn the yarn into fluff. Here’s a video on how to do that!
• Sew the cactus to the dirt.
• Place your cactus into its pot.
• Here is the fun part! Following the spiral ridges created by crocheting into the back loops, insert your sewing pins evenly covering the cactus.  I inserted mine with the round part of the pin in for extra prickliness – the stitches are tight enough to hold them in place.
• Enjoy!

If you liked this pattern I would love it if you pinned and shared!